11 ways to better manage children after divorce

So, you and your ex have finally divided up your property, agreed on parenting time, child support and spousal maintenance and you are ready to get on with your life.  Now comes the hard part!  How do you adjust to your new life while ensuring that your children adjust to theirs with as few bumps in the road as possible?

Keep in mind that the first two years following a divorce will probably be the most challenging for your children.  Decisions that you make now about child-rearing will have a far-reaching, often lifelong, impact on your children.  There are steps that you can take to lessen the stress of these challenges and point your children in a positive direction:

1. Put Your Children First
The most important step is probably the most obvious. Their needs and their feelings will need to be a top priority and they will need to know that they can trust you to take care of both.

2. Keep the Lines of Communication Open
It is very important that you let your children express their concerns but do not add to them.  It is crucial that children do not feel like they are in the middle of any parental conflict.  Do not make disparaging comments about the other parent or ask your child to report back on them.  Co-parenting and shared decision-making are the best models for the psychological health of your children.

3. Create Boundaries
While it is true that all children need boundaries, your children will need them more than ever during this time.  They will need the sense of stability that clearly- defined, fair rules and consistency will bring for their emotional well-being.

4. Be Mindful Of Your Guilt
Do not let yourself be manipulated out of a sense of guilt.  Allowing extra privileges or overspending on children as compensation for the pain caused by divorce will serve to undermine the sense of stability mentioned above.

5. Implement A Clear Visitation Process
In cases where a child does not want to visit the other parent, the first choice would be to have them discuss this issue directly with the other parent.  If the child is unwilling or unable to do so, arrange for them to meet with a neutral third-party such as a clergyperson, child therapist or specialized mediator.

6. Evaluate Therapy
If your children have witnessed violence or abuse in your marriage, they may need ongoing therapy.

7. Give Extra Support To The Youngest Children
Divorce Is hardest on the youngest children. It will be particularly hard if the primary caretaker has to enter the workforce post-divorce.  The impact is second hardest on children who are entering adolescence.  Be especially alert to the needs of children who are at these developmental stages.

8. Do Not “Spouse-ize” Your Children
Resist the temptation to take your children into your confidence about financial, relationship or other adult matters.  This can create anxiety for your children and result in them feeling like they have to take care of you.

9. Do Not Overburden Older Children
Do not put too much responsibility on the older children to take care of the younger children. While some responsibility is good, too much may rob the older children of their own childhood.

10. Do Not Be Afraid To Ask For Help
Reach out to family, friends, and your community for assistance with transportation, childcare, and homework.  This will also help keep some of the burden off of older children.

11. Mediate from the start
There is overwhelming evidence to demonstrate “that mediation produces more satisfaction with the divorce process, more satisfaction with the divorce outcome, a better post-divorce relationship with the spouse, and more of a sense that children’s needs are being met.” (Lori Shaw, “Divorce Mediation Outcome Results”, Conflict Resolution Quarterly, Summer, 2010, Volume 27, No 4, pgs 447-467.)”
Finally, as with so many things in life, your attitude is a key component to how your family will weather divorce.  Keeping a sense of humor and approaching the experience with an open mind well focused on creative possibilities will go far to alleviate stress and bring out the positive aspects of this transition.
Carla Tourin is a mediator and Minnesota-licensed attorney.  Additionally, she serves as a volunteer mediator for the Conflict Resolution Center of Minneapolis and works on divorce and consumer protection cases for the Volunteer Lawyers Network of Minneapolis.  In addition, she works on lobbying efforts on behalf of the Civil Society of Minneapolis, which assists human trafficking victims.
David D. Stein has been an attorney for 20 years and the founder of Liaise^® Divorce Solutions.  He is a trained divorce mediator, dispute resolution specialist and lecturer on non-violent conflict management techniques and tools.

4 Keys To The Use Of Experts In Family Law

1. Defining an Expert

In the American system of jurisprudence there are two types of people who can give testimony.
The first type of witness is the one with which most people are familiar. They are known as percipient witnesses. In other words, they are someone who can testify as to their sensory perceptions. What they heard, what they saw, or even what they smelled.

Something like this is the typical testimony received in a court of law:

“Mr. Witness, please tell the court what you saw on that fateful morning last March.”
“I saw the black sedan drive through the red light and hit the plaintiff’s parked car in the left rear panel, it made a terrible noise and the smell of burning canvas just after the fireball was horrendous.”

The second type of witness is known as an expert witness.

First definition of Expert Witness:

Barron’s Law dictionary defines expert witness as a witness having “special knowledge of the subject about which he is to testify” that knowledge must generally be such as is not normally possessed by the average person.

Once an expert’s qualifications are sufficiently established for the court as to that persons education, training or experience that person can then opine as to analogous hypothetical situations put to them by the trial attorneys.

Typical Expert Witness testimony might go something like this:
“Mr. Expert Witness your training and qualifications have now been established to the satisfaction of this court, you have had an opportunity to review the documents and records in this case – at this time, if you would be so kind, please tell us in your expert opinion what the value of the art collection would have been had it not been destroyed in the fire caused by the defendant.”

“Thank you Mr. Lawyer, having reviewed the records of the art collection and being intimately familiar with the market for such artifacts, it is my expert opinion that had the collection not been destroyed it could be sold at auction for $117,000.”

Second definition of Expert Witness: Expert:

An “X” is an unknown quantity; a “spurt” is a drip under pressure. Therefore an “Expert” is some unknown drip under pressure”.
This definition I learned from H. H. Stein, my father.  It is the one that I used to use when I was preparing a client for litigation where expert testimony would be engaged.

This definition may sound cynical but experienced trial family lawyers know that if your “hired gun” expert isn’t giving you the testimony that you’re looking for, you get another expert.

Trial judges are also keenly aware that when they receive expert testimony the person giving the testimony has been paid a lot of money and anything they hear must be sifted through the “profit motive” filter.

2. The Cost of Using Experts

Make no mistake, expert testimony is expensive. Many times the expert is being paid $400 to $500 an hour and often they will have an “actual testimony” fee that is higher. To establish a foundation for their testimony they will, no doubt, need to spend many hours in research, reviewing files, interviewing parties and cogitating at length on the nuanced minutiae of any particular issue.  It is not unusual to spend many tens of thousands of dollars on experts in litigation.

3. When to Use Experts in Family Law

Many Family law disputes are, at their root, about property and children.
Many times real estate, pension plans, art, antiques and other collectibles must be assigned a dollar value so that they can be assigned to one party or the other and the proper value of the set-off is determined.

In some unfortunate situations parents are unable to come to terms on the best custody or visitation situation for their minor children and an “expert” is engaged to “opine” as to what the best circumstances for the children would be. Liaise as family law mediators help to overcome such issues.

Of course, the situation is complicated by the fact that both sides in a lawsuit are entitled to engage experts. A court is often presented with the scenario of “battling experts”. Two equally qualified opinions that, more often than not, diverge greatly.

4. How To Lower the Costs of Experts

Fortunately, people who are seeking to end their marriage through mediation and not litigation have a simple solution to the problem of expensive expert testimony.
Many times there are assets that must be valued in even the friendliest of Marital Dissolution.

The parties agree that they do not wish to sell the real estate, wine collection, model railroad or other asset. Sometimes there is a “Defined Benefit” pension plan that needs to have its “present value” ascertained. A defined-benefit pension plan is one where the covered employee will receive a certain percentage of their earnings upon retirement. Such a plan must have its present value determined by a forensic accountant if it is going to be assigned inequally between the parties.

The way to avoid “battling experts” in the mediation situation is for a single engaged expert to perform their service for the mediation company, not the parties. By this simple expedient the expert is in no way influenced to favor either party in their opinion. They know that their current employment and their future employment are dependent upon their giving the fairest opinion possible as to the value of assets.

The other type of expert opinion, regarding outside opinions on the best resolution of child custody and visitation issues occurs very rarely in mediation. The people who choose mediation have adopted the mindset that they are in the best position to negotiate the optimum resolution for their children. Indeed, loving parents of good faith are better situated than any so-called family law mediators to determine what the best arrangement for their family is.

This is not to say that people involved in mediation do not have conflict regarding the management of child visitation issues. Of course they do, but all families have conflict. Sometimes Liaise will engage a therapist or counselor, acceptable to both sides, to meet with the parties and/or attend mediation sessions to help the couple get through their issues and come to terms. Through mediation both sides are able to hear and, hopefully, understand the other side’s position and together continue to act as good parents.

San francisco divorce attorney : David D. Stein has been an attorney for 20 years and the founder of Liaise® Divorce Solutions. He is a trained divorce mediator, dispute resolution specialist and lecturer on non-violent conflict management techniques and tools.

Divorce Mediation: What It Is And What It Ain’t

One of the greatest challenges to the mediators here at Liaise Divorce Solutions is educating the public as to what exactly mediation is and dispelling myths as to what it is not.

In a nutshell, mediation is at root a “supported conversation”. The parties that have a disagreement in need of management sit down in a neutral location with a professional communications expert, also known as a “mediator”, and systematically work through the issues between them. In a divorce situation the mediator is known as a “divorce mediator”. The goal of the mediation is to arrive at a contract that sets forth all the agreed-upon terms and conditions the parties have negotiated. This agreement becomes the basis for a “stipulated” judgment.It is known as a stipulated judgment because the parties are telling the judge this is what we have pre-agreed you should Order.

Many people confuse “mediation” with “arbitration”. Arbitration is essentially the same as going in front of a judge. It is an “adversarial” proceeding. The difference is that an arbitrator is a private party that the disputants have agreed will serve as a judge. An arbitrator, like a judge, hears testimony, reviews documents and applies “rules of evidence” to determine what is, and is not, admissible and/or relevant to the matter. The rules of evidence that an arbitrator will apply are very similar to the rules of evidence in a court of law. Evidence must be “relevant”. That is it must apply to the situation at hand. It must be “competent”. It must be a legally admissible and tend to prove that which it is offered to prove. It must not be “hearsay”. Hearsay is an out of court statement offered for its truth. There are entire treatises written on the “rules of evidence” and is not possible to convey more than a basic idea of what the concept stands for in this article. The arbitrator will then make a decision or judgment as to which party has presented the better case and rule accordingly.

Sometimes, very rarely, people who have participated in divorce mediation and have been unable to come to the exact terms of their proposed settlement will request what is known as mediation/arbitration. In these rare instances the parties can submit the unfinished part of their agreement to a pre-agreed-upon divorce lawyer, knowledgeable in the law of their situation, and request that she make a decision in their case.

In a family law matter, both arbitration and litigation are extremely unsatisfactory experiences for the parties.

Even highly experienced San Francisco divorce attorneys have had the experience where their proffered evidence went in smoothly and the experience where they were very frustrated in their attempts to present evidence to a judge or arbitrator. Why should you put yourself in a position where your attempt to tell your side of the story might be “rule bound”? The answer to this question is, you should not.

In mediation, both sides are free to tell their story. There is no “time limit” and there is no restriction on what statements or documents would be “admissible”. Indeed, a mediator, unlike a judge or arbitrator, makes no decisions or judgments. The role of the mediator is to assist the parties in expressing their side of the story to the other party.

There is another very important factor to be considered when trying to decide to divorce using mediation, arbitration or litigation. That is a financial element. The average cost of a litigated divorce in California is about $78,000. Arbitration, since you will also be paying an Arbitrator, is even more expensive. The average cost of a Liaise Divorce Solutions divorce is around $4,000. Also, people using divorce mediation as opposed to an adversarial proceeding like arbitration report a much higher satisfaction rate with the process.

You should make an informed decision and thoroughly investigate the option of divorce mediators if you are thinking about getting divorced.

David D. Stein, has been an attorney for 20 years and the founder of Liaise^® Divorce Solutions. He is a trained divorce mediator, dispute resolution specialist and lecturer on non-violent conflict management techniques and tools.

True “Family” Lawyer

There are many attorneys in the San Francisco area, and throughout California, referring to themselves as “Family Lawyers” or “Family Attorneys”. These labels conjure up visions of a kindly Aunt or Uncle who only has the best interests of the family at heart.


In point of fact the title Family Attorney is often a misnomer. Many so-called Family Lawyers are advocates for a single member of the family and serve only the interest of the divorcing husband or wife. They have no duty to, or interest in, the well being of the family. There job is to get the most money or property for their client and nothing else. They have sharp tactics and strategies to either minimize or maximize [depending on which client they serve in the case] the support that may be ordered. Sadly and regrettably, they will coldly use children as pawns to advance the single minded purpose of one party over the other.

These aren’t Family Lawyers; they are wolves in sheep’s clothing.


At Liaise we believe that to be a true Family Advocate you must be neutral. You cannot unthinkingly advance the cause of one party at the expense of the other. You must assist the parties in finding common ground that allows for a mutually agreeable balance of interests.


Where children are involved in a marital dissolution, Liaise urges the parties to adopt our proprietary system of Marital Reorganization℠ instead of an ordinary divorce. Marital Reorganization℠ recognizes that even though the Husband and wife may soon be unmarried people, they are now, and will always be, Mother and Father. There are many Thanksgiving, Christmas and family holidays to come. In the future there will be graduations and weddings to attend. There may be the birth of grandchildren and if that time comes, you will then each be Grandmother and Grandfather. So much better to realize that you are still, and always well be, a family. You are just a new kind of family, and you need to start getting along as well as possible, as soon as possible.


The Liaise mediators as family lawyers are steeped in this philosophy and will tirelessly work with you to achieve the smoothest transition possible to your reorganized family.

David D. Stein has been an attorney for over 20 years and is the founder of Liaise Divorce Solutions. He is a trained divorce mediator, dispute resolution specialist and lecturer on non-violent conflict management techniques and tools.

Divorce Mediation and Child Support in California

At a recent presentation of San Francisco Divorce attorneys designed to provide information to the public, an interesting comment was raised by an attendee. The conversation had been focused on the benefits of divorce mediation and how it can lead to more expeditious and better balanced resolutions to marital problems. The attendee raised her hand and stated words to the effect that she and her husband could not use mediation because, “the only issue between them was child support”.

I pointed out to her that in a very large percentage of the cases that we mediate at our company child support is often an issue. She responded that because child support is a calculation that considers the income of the parties and the “timeshare” of the children there was nothing to negotiate or mediate.

Although, in a sense, what she says is true, it is also true that the nuanced vagaries of day-to-day life and child care needs give rise to many areas of disagreement that should be mediated, not litigated.

It is a fact that the child support guidelines contained in such software programs as DissoMaster will generate a child support number based upon income and custodial time; it is also true that in many families these broad-stroke calculations do not go far enough to ascertain and address true family needs.

In many cases one party will be more involved in clothes shopping, school supplies shopping, enrichment programs and the like. It is only fair that the party who is paying for such costs and activities have the appropriate adjustments made to the child support received or their obligation to pay child support.

Similarly, in many families, where there are two wage earners, it is appropriate that neither party pay any child support to the other, but instead both contribute regularly to a program designed to offset costs of future education expenses.

The point of this article is that it is always best for a family to decide together what an appropriate amount of child support is. To take the round peg that is your family and try to jam it into the square hole that is the broadly drafted “child support guidelines” is oftentimes a mistake. Every family is unique. It is entirely appropriate that each family be the architects of their own plan for the future.

Of course, any stipulation for child support between parents must pass judicial scrutiny. However, it is the experience of this firm that whenever a family chooses to deviate from California’s prescribed guidelines and is credibly able to show cause why it is in the family best interest to do so, the court will allow their agreement.

In short, there is no area of family conflict that is not amenable to mediation. No couple should ever be in a position where they must defer to the authority of a judge to determine what is in the best interests of their child.

David D. Stein has been an attorney for over 20 years and is the founder of Liaise® Divorce Solutions . He is a lawyer, expert divorce mediator, dispute resolution specialist and lecturer on non-violent conflict management techniques and tools.

Marital Reorganization

In California what is popularly known as “divorce” is technically know as an action for marital “dissolution” At Liaise Divorce Solutions, LLC whenever we service a couple that have children that wish to end their marriage, we use the term marital “reorganization” and do not use divorce or dissolution.

Reorganization is a term loosely borrowed from bankruptcy law. Under the bankruptcy codes there are two types of bankruptcy. There is a “liquidation” where the assets of a business entity are sold to pay off creditors and then the company goes out of business and ceases to exist. Then there is the “reorganization” situation where the business just gets some protection from its creditors for a period of time, is allowed to escape some contracts, pay some debts pennies on the dollar, propose a plan and re-emerge as a streamlined, changed and re-focused business.

We at Liaise know that the fastest, easiest, most productive and least painful way to accomplish an intelligent end to a marriage is through mediation. The mediation process itself is easier for couples that have children when both parties agree that whatever decisions made will be done with the “best interests of the children” foremost in their minds.

Once couples agree to the best interests of the children guiding principal, and there is never contention on that issue, we take the next logical step. The Liaise mediator explains that since the marriage was fortunate enough to create children there are certain family roles that will never change. After the mediation process the parties may no longer be husband and wife, but now and forever they are, and will remain, Mommy and Daddy. This means that they will always be a family. They may have different duties, responsibilities and privileges than they do now, but they are still a family. Just a reorganized family.

Liaise is all about helping our customers to plan for their future. As a matter of fact you can think of the marital settlement agreement that is negotiated during mediation as a family reorganization plan. The plan is detailed and comprehensive. It is designed to give as much guidance as possible to the parties and to be flexible enough to help when unforeseen circumstances arise. But most importantly, it is designed to allow the smooth transition into the re-organized marital role of post marriage Father and Mother so that the children of the marriage are comforted to the greatest degree possible and experience the least amount of disruption to their lives.

David D. Stein has been an attorney for over 20 years and is the founder of Liaise© Mediated Solutions. He is a trained divorce mediator, dispute resolution specialist and lecturer on non-violent conflict management techniques and tools.