So, you and your ex have finally divided up your property, agreed on
parenting time, child support and spousal maintenance and you are ready to get
on with your life. Now comes the hard part! How do you adjust to
your new life while ensuring that your children adjust to theirs with as few
bumps in the road as possible?
Keep in mind that the first two years following a divorce will probably be
the most challenging for your children. Decisions that you make now about
child-rearing will have a far-reaching, often lifelong, impact on your
children. There are steps that you can take to lessen the stress of these
challenges and point your children in a positive direction:
1. Put Your Children First
The most important step is probably the most obvious. Their needs and their
feelings will need to be a top priority and they will need to know that they
can trust you to take care of both.
2. Keep the Lines of Communication Open
It is very important that you let your children express their concerns but
do not add to them. It is crucial that children do not feel like they are
in the middle of any parental conflict. Do not make disparaging comments
about the other parent or ask your child to report back on them.
Co-parenting and shared decision-making are the best models for the psychological
health of your children.
3. Create Boundaries
While it is true that all children need boundaries, your children will need
them more than ever during this time. They will need the sense of
stability that clearly- defined, fair rules and consistency will bring for
their emotional well-being.
4. Be Mindful Of Your Guilt
Do not let yourself be manipulated out of a sense of guilt. Allowing
extra privileges or overspending on children as compensation for the pain
caused by divorce will serve to undermine the sense of stability mentioned
above.
5. Implement A Clear Visitation Process
In cases where a child does not want to visit the other parent, the first
choice would be to have them discuss this issue directly with the other
parent. If the child is unwilling or unable to do so, arrange for them to
meet with a neutral third-party such as a clergyperson, child therapist or
specialized mediator.
6. Evaluate Therapy
If your children have witnessed violence or abuse in your marriage, they may
need ongoing therapy.
7. Give Extra Support To The Youngest Children
Divorce Is hardest on the youngest children. It will be particularly hard if
the primary caretaker has to enter the workforce post-divorce. The impact
is second hardest on children who are entering adolescence. Be especially
alert to the needs of children who are at these developmental stages.
8. Do Not “Spouse-ize” Your Children
Resist the temptation to take your children into your confidence about
financial, relationship or other adult matters. This can create anxiety
for your children and result in them feeling like they have to take care of
you.
9. Do Not Overburden Older Children
Do not put too much responsibility on the older children to take care of the
younger children.
While some responsibility is good, too much
may rob the older children of their own childhood.
10. Do Not Be Afraid To Ask For Help
Reach out to family, friends, and your community for assistance with
transportation, childcare, and homework. This will also help keep some of
the burden off of older children.
11. Mediate from the start
There is overwhelming evidence to demonstrate “that mediation produces more
satisfaction with the divorce process, more satisfaction with the divorce
outcome, a better post-divorce relationship with the spouse, and more of a
sense that children’s needs are being met.” (Lori Shaw, “Divorce Mediation
Outcome Results”, Conflict Resolution Quarterly, Summer, 2010, Volume 27, No 4,
pgs 447-467.)”
Finally, as with so many things in life, your attitude is a key component to
how your family will weather divorce. Keeping a sense of humor and
approaching the experience with an open mind well focused on creative
possibilities will go far to alleviate stress and bring out the positive
aspects of this transition.
Carla Tourin is a mediator and Minnesota-licensed attorney.
Additionally, she serves as a volunteer mediator for the Conflict Resolution
Center of Minneapolis and works on divorce and consumer protection cases for
the Volunteer Lawyers Network of Minneapolis. In addition, she works on
lobbying efforts on behalf of the Civil Society of Minneapolis, which assists
human trafficking victims.
David D. Stein has been an attorney for 20 years and the founder of Liaise
®
Divorce Solutions. He
is a trained
divorce mediator,
dispute resolution specialist and lecturer on non-violent conflict management
techniques and tools.